Indonesia is a country where diverse cultures coexist, including the world’s largest Muslim population and the Chinese-Indonesian community. Attitudes and values toward love are uniquely shaped by religion, traditions, and family influences. This article provides a detailed explanation of Indonesian perspectives on romance and explores the differences from Japan while delving deeper into the local dating scene.
1. Love in Culture and Tradition
a. The Concept of Love in Traditional Culture
Culture and Love in Indonesia
Indonesia is a country with a rich culture, and views on love vary by region. In many traditional cultures, love is associated with loyalty, self-sacrifice, and responsibility. For example:
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In Javanese culture, the philosophies of “sumeleh” (acceptance) and “nrimo” (accepting things as they are) emphasize the importance of accepting a partner’s strengths and weaknesses.
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In Batak culture, the concept of “Dalihan Na Tolu” means that marriage is not just between two individuals but involves the relationships of the entire family.
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In Minangkabau culture, influenced by a matrilineal society, the role of the woman’s family in love and marriage is significant.
Perspectives on Romance Among Indonesian Men
Many Indonesian men hold traditional values and are generally expected to take the lead in romantic relationships. Especially among Muslims, there is a strong belief that men should be the head of the household and support their partners both financially and emotionally. Honesty and responsibility are highly valued in relationships, with dating often seen as a step toward marriage. However, among younger generations, there is a growing trend toward enjoying romance more casually. Still, many remain cautious about premarital relations, and families with strong religious beliefs often impose certain restrictions before marriage.
Perspectives on Romance Among Indonesian Women
Indonesian women tend to place great importance on family opinions in their romantic relationships. Dating with marriage in mind is often idealized, and many women seek partners who are honest, financially stable, and harmonious with their family. Traditionally, women were expected to be modest and reserved, but recently, more career-oriented women have emerged who assert themselves in romance as well. Due to strong religious values, many women avoid premarital relations and open physical affection; particularly devout Muslim women emphasize maintaining purity until marriage.
b. Islamic Arranged Marriages and Family Approval
In Indonesia, especially in traditional families, marriage is often regarded not only as an individual decision but also as requiring the consensus of the entire family. Because of this, arranged marriages (omiai or arranged marriage) were widely practiced in the past.
The ideas behind arranged marriages include the following:
- Family Honor and Maintaining Lineage
In regions where family status and lineage are highly valued, marriage is often seen more as a means of building relationships between families rather than personal love. Parents tend to choose partners from families that are socially and economically compatible.
- Economic Stability
Marriage is considered not only about love but also about securing economic stability. Marriages between wealthy families are often preferred, and parents may select their children’s partners to prioritize the family’s financial security.
- Religious Values
In areas strongly influenced by religion, the faith of the marriage partner is important. Parents seek partners who share the same religion or sect, believing this helps their children maintain their religious beliefs.
- Strengthening Family Ties
Arranged marriages also serve as a means to strengthen ties between families. Especially when marriages are decided through recommendations by relatives or close acquaintances, the goal is often to maintain good relationships across the entire family.
Arranged Marriages and Family Approval in Modern Times
In recent years, the rate of arranged marriages has declined, and love marriages have become more common. However, family approval remains an important factor. Especially in rural areas, marriages that disregard parental opinions can cause social issues.
Moreover, contemporary arranged marriages have become more flexible. It is now common for young people to choose their partners based on their own wishes while still considering their family’s opinions. This represents a new view of marriage that blends traditional and modern values.
C. Points of Caution in Romance and Marriage with Chinese-Indonesians (Hokkien Ethnic Group)
Indonesia has a Chinese-Indonesian (Hokkien) community with its own unique culture and values. When dating or marrying someone from this community, it is important to be aware of the following points:
- Family Approval is Important
Chinese-Indonesians have strong family ties, and family opinions greatly influence the choice of a marriage partner. Especially if the approval of parents or grandparents is not obtained, marriage can become difficult.
- Emphasis on Economic Stability
Chinese-Indonesian families tend to value the economic stability of a marriage partner. Educational background, occupation, and future prospects are highly regarded, so especially for men, having a stable job is desirable.
- Consideration of Religious Differences
Many Chinese-Indonesians are influenced by Buddhism, Christianity, or Confucianism. Marrying a Muslim often requires particular caution, and religious differences can become a significant barrier.
- Understanding Traditional Ceremonies
Chinese-Indonesians place importance on traditional Chinese festivals (such as Lunar New Year, Mid-Autumn Festival, and Qingming Festival). Actively participating in these events and showing respect for their culture is key to maintaining good relations with the family.
- Marriages Often Within the Chinese-Indonesian Community
Chinese-Indonesians tend to prefer marrying within their own community. Therefore, marrying someone from a different ethnic or religious background may face family opposition.
- Language and Cultural Differences
Some Chinese-Indonesian families speak Chinese dialects such as Hokkien, Cantonese, or Hakka, and language differences can be a barrier. Showing interest in and making an effort to learn the partner’s culture helps smooth the relationship.
When considering romance or marriage with a Chinese-Indonesian, it is important to deepen understanding and show respect for the partner’s family and culture.
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2. The Influence of Religion on Perspectives of Love
Indonesia is a country where diverse religions coexist, and each religion has its own teachings regarding love.
Islam (Majority Religion)
- About 87% of Indonesia’s population are Muslims, and their views on love are based on Islamic teachings.
- Emphasis is placed on responsibility, legitimacy, and chastity; premarital relations are prohibited.
- The process called “Ta’aruf” involves getting to know a partner under the supervision of a third party (family or religious leaders), with marriage as the premise.
- Family approval is strongly required for marriage, and interfaith marriages are often very difficult.
Christianity and Catholicism
- About 10% of the population in Indonesia follow Christianity (Protestant) and Catholicism combined.
- Love based on the spirit of Jesus Christ’s love and sacrifice is idealized as unconditional love (Agape).
- Marriage is sacred, and divorce should be avoided as much as possible.
- Some denominations restrict interfaith marriage, sometimes requiring the partner to convert.
Hinduism and Buddhism
- Hinduism, mainly practiced on Bali Island, is followed by about 1.7% of the population.
- Love is understood as part of “Dharma” (duty) and “Karma” (the result of actions), with good deeds believed to generate good love.
- Marriage is an important ritual not only for the family but also for the community (banjar).
- Buddhists make up less than 1%, and like Hinduism, marriage is seen as part of karma.
Confucianism
- Influences the Chinese-Indonesian community, where love is understood through the concept of “Ren” (benevolence).
- Courtesy, respect, and responsibility are considered the essence of love, and family agreement is extremely important.
- Marriage is related to family honor and is decided with great care.
Interfaith relationships often face many challenges, especially regarding marriage, where family approval is frequently required. For those wishing to marry across religions, efforts to gain understanding from the partner’s family or, in some cases, religious conversion may be necessary.
3. Love in Modern Society: Changes Due to Globalization
a. Changes in Dating Styles
In the past, dating styles in Indonesia were more conservative. However, influenced by Western culture, romantic relationships are now expressed in more liberal ways. Trends on social media, such as “relationship goals,” have impacted young people’s views on love. Couples tend to show their romantic relationships by giving gifts or traveling together.
b. Technology and Love: Dating Apps and Social Media
Technological advancements have also changed the way people engage in romantic relationships. Dating apps like Tinder, Tantan, and Bumble are popular among young people, especially in urban areas. However, there is still some stigma that relationships formed through these apps are “not serious.”
Additionally, social media influences romantic relationships as well. The culture of sharing couple photos and videos on platforms like Instagram and TikTok has spread, sometimes causing pressure or anxiety due to comparisons.
4. Challenges of Love in Indonesian Society
a. Early Marriage and Social Pressure
In some regions, the custom of early marriage still exists. Economic factors and social pressure are underlying causes. The government and NGOs are actively promoting the importance of education to address this issue.
b. Gender Roles and Love
Traditionally, men were expected to be the breadwinners of the family, while women were responsible for managing the household. However, in recent years, the number of women with careers has increased, and there is progress toward more equal roles in dating and marriage.
c. Prejudices Against Inter-Ethnic and Inter-Social-Class Relationships
Indonesia is a multicultural nation, but challenges remain regarding romantic relationships and marriages between different ethnic groups or religions. In some communities, marriage with someone from a different background is still considered taboo. However, younger generations tend to hold more open-minded values, and these barriers are gradually diminishing.
d. Views on Polygamy
In Indonesia, based on Islamic teachings, it is legal for a man to have up to four wives. However, polygamy is permitted only under strict conditions, and the husband is obligated to treat all wives equally. Polygamy is limited to Muslim men and is not allowed for Christians or followers of other religions.
Social attitudes toward polygamy vary. While it is still accepted in some regions, negative opinions are more common in urban areas, often criticized from the perspective of women’s rights. The government imposed strict regulations in 1983, limiting polygamy among civil servants and requiring the consent of the existing wife. In modern times, the number of people choosing polygamy is declining due to economic and social reasons.
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5. Comparison of Views on Love Between Indonesia and Japan
There are differences in values and cultural backgrounds regarding love and relationships between Indonesia and Japan. Below is a comparison of their characteristics:
a. How relationships progress
Indonesia: It is common to seek family approval before starting a relationship, especially the woman’s family tends to be cautious. There is a strong value of avoiding premarital intimacy, particularly in religious families where premarital physical contact or intimate relationships are generally refrained from.
Japan: Individual will is respected, and the timing to inform parents is relatively free. Many people have an open attitude toward premarital intimacy, and cohabitation before marriage is not uncommon among couples.
b. Dating style
Indonesia: Public displays of affection (holding hands, hugging) tend to be modest. Especially for devout Muslim couples, avoiding premarital physical contact is common. Many young people prefer group dates, and one-on-one dating is approached cautiously.
Japan: It is common for couples to date alone, and resistance to physical contact is relatively low. Public hand-holding and hugging are considered natural behaviors.
c. Attitudes toward premarital kissing and sex
Indonesia: Religious influences are strong, and premarital kissing and sex are generally discouraged. In Muslim families, premarital intimacy is a serious taboo, and maintaining purity before marriage is emphasized. In rural areas, premarital intimacy can lead to family or community issues. However, among urban youth, attitudes are gradually changing, creating more diversity in values.
Japan: Generally, there is little resistance to premarital intimacy, and it is seen as a natural development in relationships. It is common for couples to kiss or have physical contact early in the relationship, and there are almost no religious taboos regarding premarital sex.
d. Awareness toward marriage
Indonesia: Marriage is a major family event, and the opinions of parents and relatives are highly valued. Especially for women, marrying in the early 20s is often encouraged, and early marriage is preferred over long-term dating.
Japan: Timing of marriage is greatly influenced by individual career and lifestyle, and late marriage is increasing. Many couples marry after long-term relationships, and marrying in the 30s is common.
e. Differences in expressing affection
Indonesia: Showing affection through words and actions is common, and couples frequently say “I love you (Aku cinta kamu).” However, in public, they tend to be modest and may avoid showing much physical affection.
Japan: Affection tends to be expressed modestly, more through actions and attitudes than words. Saying “I like you” or “I love you” frequently is uncommon; instead, affection is shown through small daily gestures and consideration.
f. Relationship with family
Indonesia: Love and relationships are not seen as solely personal matters; family relations are important. Building good relationships with the partner’s family is expected, and parents’ opinions have strong influence.
Japan: While family approval is important for marriage, love and relationships are basically individual freedoms. The timing of introducing a partner to parents varies by couple and does not necessarily happen early.
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Summary
Indonesian views on love are strongly influenced by culture, religion, and family. Traditionally, marriage is considered a matter involving the whole family rather than just the individuals, and parental approval is important. Religion deeply influences relationships, with Islam emphasizing cautious premarital relationships, and Christianity and Hinduism valuing faith and family values.
Recently, globalization and technology have increased freedom in love, but the gap with traditional values remains a challenge. Social issues such as polygamy, early marriage, and fixed gender roles persist.
Compared to Japan, Indonesia has stronger family involvement, and parental wishes play a major role in relationships and marriage. Understanding these cultural differences and respecting each other’s values are key to building harmonious international relationships.
Glossary of terms used in this article
- Sumeleh: A Javanese philosophy meaning “to accept everything.” In love, it refers to accepting both strengths and weaknesses of a partner.
- Nrimo: Means “accepting as it is.” In Javanese culture, it emphasizes contentment and gratitude.
- Dalihan Na Tolu: A Batak cultural value emphasizing family and kinship relations. Marriage is treated as a family-wide issue, not just individual.
- Ta’aruf: An Islamic premarital courtship process where partners get to know each other under supervision of family or religious leaders.
- Polygamy: The practice of having multiple wives. In Indonesia, Muslim men can have up to four wives under strict conditions.
- Relationship goals: A popular term on social media referring to ideal couples or romantic posts/photos.
FAQ
Q1. Which is more common in Indonesia: love marriage or arranged marriage?
A1. Love marriage is mainstream nowadays, but family approval remains important. Especially in rural areas, arranged marriage traditions still exist.
Q2. What should I be careful about when dating an Indonesian?
A2. Since family influence is strong, it is important to respect relationships with parents and relatives. Understanding and respecting religious and cultural differences is key to a harmonious relationship.
Q3. Is religion a problem when marrying a Muslim?
A3. Islam places strict restrictions on interfaith marriage. Muslim women generally cannot marry non-Muslim men, and Muslim men marrying non-Muslim women usually must convert.
Q4. What is dating culture like in Indonesia?
A4. Public physical contact is avoided, and group dates are common. Urban youth may adopt Western dating styles, but traditional values prevail in many regions.
Q5. How common is polygamy in Indonesia?
A5. Polygamy is legally permitted but practiced by a minority. It is often criticized from women’s rights perspectives, especially in urban areas.
Q6. How are weddings conducted in Indonesia?
A6. Weddings vary by region and religion but tend to be grand. Islamic weddings have “akad nikah” religious ceremonies, Christian weddings are mainly church services, and Balinese Hindu weddings include traditional rituals.
Q7. What procedures are needed for marriage between Japanese and Indonesians?
A7. Legal procedures in both countries must be followed, including submitting marriage documents like birth certificates and single status certificates. Religious restrictions may require additional steps.
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